Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
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[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
called in thicc to work this morning
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
never deleting this app.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.