Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
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me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
u spoke cat all this time??????
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.