Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]

god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮

snake:

god: then u just kinda :O

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!

ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.

My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]