Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
![]()
You Might Also Like
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists