Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
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Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
The fall of Netflix
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
