Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.

He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

back to work

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny