BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
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Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months