BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
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I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
(Musicians.)
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”