Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”

Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.

Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

Looks like the mayor is getting serious.

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.