Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!

Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*

Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

Very good! 👍😂

Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”

Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):

– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.

Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”