barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
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Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.