Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.