barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
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I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
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Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
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The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.