barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
You Might Also Like
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you