barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
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Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
This is sending me to another galaxy
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack