Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry

I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a parapsychologist.

Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.

To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.