Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”

Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

Howl 😭

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.