Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
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Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.