Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
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I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
consequences, the bane of my existence
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
This is my brand.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.