Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.

After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.

If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.