Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
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They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.