Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

“I can’t lie to you”

You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

I said we supposed to be saving our money.

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?