Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
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The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home