Barbie gone wild
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Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Twitter is an abusement park.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.