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Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Got ya covered
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00
😂🐈⬛
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I don’t call them exes, I call them whys
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo