Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feel. He’s so soft.

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?

TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)

Therapist: Go on

TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.