Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.

Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.

looks legit

nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

take the quarantine challenge!

come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.