Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

🍛

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

[break-in]

BURGLAR: [cracks safe]

COP: Not so fast, kiddo

BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”

Christmas Day

“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”

🙄

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

Safety first