barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
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A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent