Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We will use anything but the metric system

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.

😂

It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize

me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions