Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
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Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.