Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

my first executive action as President would be no more pineapple on pizzas. a close second would be putting toddlers in jail who cry over receiving the wrong color cup they’re given.

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

Usage Guidelines

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.