barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
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If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?