barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
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a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery