barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
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Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
We’ve all been there…
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
Hero horse inspires millions
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.