Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”

I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.

“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]

I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

this is the best interaction on twitter

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

*first date*

Her: So what animal would you be?

Me: Oh a cat for sure!

Her: Aw cute!

(Later that night)

Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*

Her: …Ok considerably less cute.