Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

Putting socks on my feet to keep me warm isn’t enough. I want them to come up to my shoulders

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

this has to be peak English

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

We know he can swim but…

ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..