[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
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I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.