Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

ok this is my dumbest yet

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt

me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger

him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer