Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.

Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

She was REALLY feeling it.

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

student: now what?

driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn

stndent: ok

“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”

-memories of playing high school sports

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.