*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.![]()
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1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day