Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.

Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

That’s enough internet for the day

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.

Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus