Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.

Me: But my vision sucks.

Optometrist: Exactly.

That’s easy for you to say

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.