Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

it’s a van. how do they not know this

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

making sure he doesnt get away

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

Date: Are you winking or blinking?

Cyclops: I do not know.

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

6yo: *sneezes*

Me: Bless you.

6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!

Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

[at a party]

*taps wife’s shoulder*

I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?

(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)

“What?”

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.