Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

[on my way back to the posting caves]

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!

Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”