Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.

A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.

The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!