[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
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*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
#JohnTravolta
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit