[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
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Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it