Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

Ron is short for Aaronald

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.