Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

Jesus steals the winter solstice

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

*bark*

“What’s that Lassie?”

*bark bark*

“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”

*bark*

“Ooh, dinnertime.”

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me

bartender: no

me: … excuse me?

bartender (taking my money): you want anything else

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist