Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

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Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.

I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.

Tremendous stuff

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today

Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.

She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here

She does not

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.