Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How tf did it end up there?

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

My dog: PLAY WITH ME!

Me: *grabs toy*

My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

and now we wait

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.