Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having

Is there a sale on stupidity, cause that shit is everywhere.

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails

When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.

Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem

Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

no one:

my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

God: Give them free will

Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”

God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.