Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
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Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Body by cheese-puffs.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅