Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know

-my toddler, at bedtime

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

A librarian with a sense of humour…

#Oscars

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

*me in the shower*

My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.

Me: WHAT!

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.

Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes