Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.

6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no

Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful

her: take off my bra

me: ok

her: take off my panties

me: wow ok

her: stop wearing my clothes

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?

me: no, that’s a fence

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do

Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you

Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car