Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
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I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.