barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
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Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
My love language is hissing.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.