Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

[Pet store]

Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”

Me: “You can’t prove that.”

*My purse starts barking*

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

9 circles of hell in this economy?

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

[speed dating]

Her: Nice to meet you

Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.