Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

They did not think through this water fountain

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

During a meditation session

Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok

[later]

ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!

Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.

Meal prep ✔️