Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)

It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!