Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:

My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

[climbing inside trojan horse]

general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

*names my little horse OneTrick*

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”

friend: “what did you learn today?”

me: “guitar”

friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”

me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”

friend:

me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”

make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.