Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”

My brain considers names irrelevant information.

Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.

1995: oh cool, an online book store

2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”

Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.

Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.

Doctor: This is serious!

Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL

went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.