Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

Good morning.

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

Just added something to my bucket list.

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

911: What’s your emergency?

I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!

911: Are you being tortured?

They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair

911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

[My first day as an architecture major]

*raises hand*

When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?

Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.