Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
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I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Challenge accepted.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
*puts cutlery down*
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex