Had a fight with a janitor once, wiped the floor with him
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
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If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me
Pretty sure if I ever texted my hubs a nude pic of me, he’d probably respond “I think you meant to send this to someone else.”
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
19: Okay mom, don’t freak out but…
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
My neighbor seriously just asked me, “Does Canada have 4th of July?”
I said “No, they skip from the 3rd to the 5th, eh?
I need to move.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing