@david8hughes

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

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@tomw1984

Had a fight with a janitor once, wiped the floor with him

@Tinkerbell_

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

@brynnester

My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It’s as awkward for him as it is for me

@mamapojo

Pretty sure if I ever texted my hubs a nude pic of me, he’d probably respond “I think you meant to send this to someone else.”

@RxitWounds

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

@Shenaniglenns

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

@JustMeTurtle

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

@Eightinchgoat

My neighbor seriously just asked me, “Does Canada have 4th of July?”

I said “No, they skip from the 3rd to the 5th, eh?

I need to move.

@loudmouth_usa

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing