Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
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announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
My work here is done
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*