Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

[1st day as police officer]

PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!

ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?

Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!

*mops up wine with cat*

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

God: you’re a zebra.

Zebra: nice!

God: you have black stripes.

Zebra: like a tiger?

God: yes exactly!

Zebra: so we’re the same!

God: no.

Zebra: why not?

God: you eat grass instead of meat.

Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.