barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
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*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.